Divine Humour

"Laughter is the shortest distance between two people"

 

Mothers and children

Three ladies were talking enthusiastically after many years without seeing each other. Eventually they started talking about their children.

Jennifer - My son is a Psychology Professor at Oxford university.

Mary - Wow, how nice!" My daughter is a Disaster Manager, presently helping the earthquake victims of the Himalayan areas.

Jennifer - That is very interesting! And what about your son, Susan?

Susan - Well... my son is... practicing meditation.

(Deep silence.)

Jennifer - That is OK, dear. At least he is not just sitting around doing nothing.

Smoking your way to heaven

A protestant, in Ireland, suspected that his wife was having an affair with a catholic. So one day he returned early from work and silently entered his penthouse in a 20 floor building. There was no one, but he could smell tobacco.
- Where is he? I can feel the smell of cigars!

The wife remained silent, so he begun to search the whole flat, but found nothing. Then, thinking that perhaps the man escaped him, he went to the window of the kitchen and looked down to the street. To his dismay he saw a man apparently coming out of the building and lighting a cigar. He quickly searched for something to throw at the man, and since the only object near at hand was the fridge, he lifted it with a superhuman effort and threw it down the window.

Now the scene shifts to the entrance of heaven. 
Suddenly, in front of St. Peter, three men appear, conspicuously together.
Peter points at one of them and asks:
- How did you come here?
- I really don't know. I was waking on the street, lighting a cigar when I seemed to feel something falling over me, and next thing I remember I was here.
- OK, you can get in.

Then Peter points at another man and asks the same question. 
- Well, it is very strange. You see, I was in my penthouse, searching for this man standing next to me, for I thought he was having an affair with my wife. So I threw a fridge at him through the window and in the effort I may have died of a heart-attack or something.
- Hm... that is not good, but at least you have said the truth, so you can go in.

Now Peter looks slowly at the last man and asks:
- And how did you come here?
- I did nothing! I was minding my own business. Never did harm to anybody....
- Yea, OK, but how did you get here?
- I told you, I was doing nothing! I was simply smoking a cigar inside the fridge.

The secret of Zen

A Zen master steps up to the hot dog cart and says, "Make me one with everything." The hot dog vendor fixes a hot dog and hands it to the Zen master, who pays with a £20 bill. The hot dog vendor puts the bill in the cash drawer and closes it.
"Where is my change?" asks the Zen master. The hot dog vendor responds, "Change must come from within."

 Business in the dark

A boy ten years old is attentively watching his mother and her lover from the wardrobe.
They hear the husband returning home earlier than usual, and the mother quickly hides the man inside the wardrobe.

"It's very dark here," whispers the boy.
The man gets shocked, but recovers quickly and whispers back, "Yes, it is."
Boy - Do you like swimming?
Man - Yes, I do.
Boy - You are very lucky; I am selling my goggles for £200. Do you want to buy them?
Man - Not really.
Boy - Should I call my father, then?
Man - OK, I take them.

A few days later the same thing happens, and the man and the boy are again in the wardrobe.
Boy - It is very dark here.
Man - It is.
Boy - I have swimming shorts for £300.
Man - OK, deal.

The next day the father invites the boy to go swimming together. The boy says he can't because he sold his gear to a friend. 
Father - How could you do business with your friends? How much did you charge for it?
Boy - £500.
Father - Shame on you! How could you cheat your friends? Go right now to church and confess your sin.

The boy goes to church, sobbing, and enters the confessional.
Boy - It is very dark here.
Priest - Don't start, boy!

The power of boredom

Two teenagers meet in a cyber-chat room after a power-cut that lasted twenty hours.
- How did you manage during the power-cut?
-Man, it was the most horrible experience of my life! No internet, no video-games, no TV... I thought I was going crazy! I was so bored that I even considered going to church!

  Announcements from church bulletins.

1. Don't let worry kill you - let the church help you.

2. Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.
 
3. For those of you who have children and don't know it, there is a nursery downstairs.

4. There will be a meeting this afternoon in the South and North ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends.

5. After the Sunday service there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk will, please come early.

6. The ladies Liturgy Society will meet next Wednesday. Mrs. Jones will sing, "Put Me in My Little Bed," accompanied by the pastor.

9. This Easter Sunday we will request Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the altar.

12. Next Sunday a special collection will be taken to cover the cost of the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the new carpet, please come forward and do so.

13. At the evening service, the sermon topic will be "What is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.

A mother writing to her son who went to study in UK.

Dear son, I am in a well here and hoping you are in the same well there. I'm writing this letter slowly, because I know you cannot read fast. We don't live where we did when you left home. Your dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen 20 miles from home, so we moved 20 miles.

I wont be able to send the address as the last man who stayed here took the house numbers with them for their new house so they would not have to change their address. Hopefully by next week we will be able to bring our earlier address plate here, so that our address will remain same too. This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine, situated right above the commode. I'm not sure it works. Last week I put in 3 shirts, pulled the chain and haven't seen them since.

The weather here isn't too bad. It rained only twice last week. The first time it rained for 3 days and second time for 4 days. The coat you wanted me to send you, your Aunt said it would be a little too heavy to send in the mail with all the metal buttons, so we cut them off and put them in the pocket. Your father has another job. He has 500 men under him. He is cutting the grass at the cemetery. By the way I took Bahu to our club's poolside. The manager is really bad mash. He told her that two-piece swimming suit is not allowed in this club. We were confused as to which piece should we remove?

Your sister had a baby this morning. I haven't found out whether it is a girl or a boy, so I don't know whether you are an Aunt or Uncle. Your uncle, Jetinder fell in a nearby well. Some men tried to pull him out, but he fought them off bravely and drowned. We cremated him and he burned for three days. Your best friend, Balwinder, is no more. He died trying to fulfil his father's last wishes. His father had wished to be buried at sea after he died. And your friend died while in the process of digging a grave for his father. There isn't much more news this time. Nothing much has happened.

P.S: Son, I was going to send you some money but by the time I realized, I had already sealed off this letter.

 The way to die

A rich, dying man, called his lawyer and his priest to his home and asked them to sit at both sides of his bed. After a few minutes of silence the priest kindly inquired if he needed something. The man said, "No father, I just called both of you because I want to die like Jesus, with one thief on each side."

"Look before you leap"

The Pope was flying in his private jet with two important guests: a great scholar and a school boy who were to take part in a special function with the Pope. After 30 minutes of flight the pilot announced that the plane had an electronic failure and it was going down. Then he came with three parachutes in the hand and leaving two of them on a sit, he put on the remaining one and jumped.

Now there were three people and only two parachutes left, so the scholar quickly grabbed one and saying, "Sorry, I am too important to the world, I must live," he jumped.

The jet was going down fast now, so the Pope said to the boy, "My son, I am old and you have a whole life to live, so take the last parachute and go." Then the boy smiling said, "Relax, Father, there are two parachutes left, the scholar jumped with my school bag."